


Zutto tsuzuiteiku to shinjiteita kono sutorii (I thought this story would’ve gone on forever)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Break Up, Character Death, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Murder, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 02:49:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14802930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “We can try being together... what do you think?”It had been a little convincing statement, and Yamada had always known that.





	Zutto tsuzuiteiku to shinjiteita kono sutorii (I thought this story would’ve gone on forever)

_“We can try being together... what do you think?”_

It had been a little convincing statement, and Yamada had always known that.

Just like he had always known what it meant that doubtful look on Chinen’s face while he pondered about his words.

And then he had agreed, and for a while Ryosuke had forgotten to have ever seen those doubts in him.

He had enjoyed their relationship, as much as he could’ve.

He had enjoyed having the right to be close to him, without thinking about how illusory their relationship was.

He tried to convince himself that the other could love him. That he was trying, at least.

But he couldn’t, and Yuri didn’t help at all.

He saw him wandering his apartment, looking bored, he saw him looking all haughty whenever he suggested they did something together.

Yamada loved him, and with that loved he had managed to develop a form of hatred for that Chinen being next to him without any apparent good reason.

He had spent countless sleepless nights, looking at him sleep, trying to cradle himself in his light breathing, but he never managed to rest without panicking for the whole situation.

He wondered why he was still in his bed, and why Yuri allowed him.

From time to time he felt like brushing his face while he slept, caress it, tell him he loved him.

He would've much rather done that during those moments, but he gave up every time.

He didn’t want him to wake up, that he started staring at him as if his presence bothered him, that he pushed him away.

He’d rather look, look and keep living inside the illusion that everything was fine, that Chinen loved him, that they could actually be happy together.

And it didn’t matter how hard the younger shattered that illusion in the morning.

He settled for what little he could steal from him when he slept and let that be enough, setting aside any feeling of discomfort he had inside that apartment, as if they were two roommate who, casually, shared one bed.

They had sex, and Ryosuke treasured all of those moments when he felt him so close, every moment in which Yuri really seemed to belong to him.

And even there he desperately tried to ignore the other’s glances, those expressions ever scowling, not at all involved, lacking any real passion for it.

Yamada closed his eyes, he moved inside of him and gave a meaning to those nights; and he couldn’t even that demand for that meaning to be real.

Like this, he just went along.

He never asked Chinen for anything, because this way his rejections weren’t going to hurt him.

He didn’t ask of him to show some affection, so he found relief in the small things, in those gestures the younger did without even thinking about it.

A kiss, a caress, a smile... it was all Yamada desired, because even if it wasn’t much, at the same time it was everything.

He would've born that for all eternity, had his prize actually been having him there, and little mattered his feelings, how they were walked on.

All he wanted for Chinen to be able to keep living that lie.

 

~

 

_I need to talk to you. See you home._

That e-mail from Chinen had made him nervous.

He hadn't liked it.

Yuri wasn’t much for e-mails. He called mostly, and the fact that he had chosen not to worried him more than the actual content of the message.

He had tried not to think about what it may have meant.

He didn’t want to picture the worst case scenario.

He had tried to do something that would've prevented him from lingering on painful thoughts, and in the end he had sat on the couch watching TV, without managing to focus on the images on the screen.

When he had heard the door open, he had jumped.

He had headed to the entrance, looking at the younger with a dead serious stare.

“Hi, Chii.” he murmured, getting close and bringing an arm around his hips, pulling him closer to kiss him.

The other didn’t pose any resistance and he didn’t reciprocate.

He let Yamada kiss him, like usual. Ryosuke pulled away quickly and looked at him with the same anxiety as before.

“How did the interview go?” he asked, feigning indifference.

Chinen looked into his eyes for a moment, then he sighed.

“Ryosuke, let’s sit please.” he said, his voice incredibly tired.

The elder followed him to the living room and stayed up, while Yuri went sitting on the couch.

“Can you come here, please?” he heard him ask, a tone he wasn’t used to, which made him more suspicious than all the rest.

It was tame. Almost sweet, he would've said.

He felt pathetic, because he hated to be treated like he needed compassion.

“I’d rather stand, thank you.” he murmured, biting his lips and crossing his arms, waiting.

Chinen arched an eyebrow, but then he sighed as if he was resolved not to insist.

“Ryosuke...” he started, a grave look on his face, and Yamada just loved the way the younger’s voice said his name. “How long are we going to go on like this?” he asked, never tearing his eyes off of him.

The elder opened his eyes wide, then he forced a smile.

“Like this? What do you mean, Yuri?” he said, pretending he didn’t understand.

The other sighed, close to exasperation.

“You perfectly know what I mean, Ryo, don’t pretend you don’t. You know that you and I go on by inertia. You know we’re not really a couple, you know we don’t feel the same for each other. You know that...” he bit his lip, but then he went on. “You know I don’t love you the way you love me, like you’d want to be loved. So why should we keep messing with each other like this? I've tried, but there’s no point in persisting with something that’s never going to lead us nowhere, don’t you think so?” he said, his eyes low know, and showing a certain degree of discomfort.

Yamada kept looking at him, feeling almost sick.

He got closer, he leant over him to rest a hand on his shoulder and pushed him against the backrest.

He felt close to losing his cool, and as much as he was starting to get scared by the anger mounting in him, he couldn’t control himself.

“Have you tried, Yuri?” he hissed. “When exactly did you try? When have you even tried to pretend I meant something for you?” he breathed in deeply, trying unsuccessfully to calm down. When he spoke again, his voice was even more bitter. “Did you try when we were together in bed and you barely spoke? Did you try when I suggested we do something together and you always refused? Did you try when we had sex and you closed your eyes pretending you were elsewhere, with someone else?” he bit his lip, holding the other’s shoulder harder. “Did you try when I told you I love you and you looked at me as if there was nothing in front of your eyes?” he murmured, feeling close to crying.

He got up fast, bringing his hands to his temples and starting moving them in circles, as if like that he could put an order to the thoughts going through his mind.

He glimpsed at him; the younger had kept still on the couch, clenching his hands over his knees, a serious expression on his face.

It made him sick the way how, despite what he had just told him, he couldn’t help but thinking about how much he loved him.

How much the mere thought of losing Yuri shattered him, how unable he was to let him go.

“I need to drink.” he murmured then, his voice hoarse, heading toward the kitchen unsteady on his feet.

He let the water from the sink run, grabbing a glass.

He drank, and somehow the water tasted disgusting.

What happened was disgusting, Chinen was, he was.

He had learnt to coexist with that love a long time ago, and he had been confident that with Yuri by his side things would've gotten better, even though he was aware that the younger was never going to learn how to love him.

Now that he was losing something he had never truly had, he felt worse than ever.

He felt he couldn’t make it, that he couldn’t stand to go back into that apartment and find it empty, to go to bed alone, wake up and not have him there.

That he couldn’t be blessed with that illusion, pretending that what they shared was love, like he had always done.

Without Yuri, he was going to slip again into that state of eternal uncertainty, loneliness, nothing to help him pretend everything was fine.

He needed him like the air he breathed.

He couldn’t let him go without a fight, he couldn’t cave to the obviousness the younger had just forced him to face.

Ryosuke didn’t need his love, he needed _him,_ to kindle that fire burning endlessly inside of him.

He drank a little more, and the water tasted cleaner now.

His eyes fell, by chance, on a drawer. He opened it, contemplating its content for a moment.

He closed his eyes, trying to force himself to close it, trying to convince himself that there was another solution.

Trying to convince himself it was madness.

And he knew; he knew he was close to the edges of sanity, but he didn’t care.

He took a knife, the sharpest they had, and closed the drawer back.

Hearing steps behind his back, he quickly turned and hid it behind his back.

He looked at Chinen, standing on the doorframe and staring neutrally at him.

“It took you a while... I got worried.” he explained, shrugging.

Yamada got closer, slowly.

“What do you want me to do, Chii?” he asked, his voice barely audible.

He knew he was facing the abyss.

He knew it all depended on the younger’s answer, he knew that depending on it he was going to fall or keep standing.

He felt the blade press against his skin, and did all he could for him not to notice, while he kept walking toward him.

“I want you to let me go, Ryosuke.” he replied, and Yamada felt something breaking inside of him.

He wanted to cry.

To scream, despair, beg.

To feed him his dignity and all he had, because he knew nothing was going to make sense anymore without him.

But he didn’t.

Because he didn’t have any dignity left, nor air to breath, nor tears.

Chinen had taken everything from him, and now he was abandoning him.

Yamada wished he could’ve stopped.

He wished he could’ve been strong enough to let him slip away.

He was a few centimetres from him, and he was sure that in his eyes the younger could see the reason leave him.

He saw him shiver when he saw the knife, but he didn’t have time to react.

Ryosuke sunk the blade into Yuri’s body.

He brought an arm around his shoulders, holding him close while he kept the knife still, while he felt life abandoning him, while he had to fight against the weight of his body falling to the ground.

He fell with him, letting him lay down and going next to him, his head on his chest.

He slowly pulled the blade out, letting the blood flow free, looking carefully at him while the stain on Chinen’s shirt spread.

He clung on to him tights, trying to ignore the smell of blood, trying to pretend he could still hear his heart beating.

Trying to pretend he was still alive, that he hadn't just killed him.

Yamada was good at pretending.

He was good at conning himself, he had done that for years.

He had pretended Yuri could feel something for him, he had pretended he was loved, he had pretended he was happy.

And now that the younger couldn’t prove him wrong anymore, his act could go on forever.

He clenched his eyes tight, moving his face to the crook of Yuri’s neck and trying to coat his mind in that smell, sure that he was never going to forget it.

He had never felt so happy by his side, knowing that his eyes weren’t going to open anymore, that they weren’t going to look at him as if he meant nothing.

He would've been free to feel loved, to tell himself that lie until he was going to believe it.

“What a beautiful deceit you are, my soul.” he murmured to himself, slowly hoping his eyes and moving them to Chinen’s face.

It looked like he was sleeping. His expression was relaxed, finally, serene.

Happy.

Happy, like he had never been with him. And now his features weren’t tense, and Yamada felt free to be happy with him.

He closed his eyes again, feeling tired all of a sudden.

He held on tight to the body of the man he loved, finally at ease.

He was never going to be able to let him go.


End file.
